Over the past several weeks, I have experienced a heightened sense of anxiety. As it usually goes with me, whenever my anxiety goes up, so does my compulsion with distractions. I become obsessed with researching trivial things online and filling my days with utter nonsense. I am a master at distracting myself.
Several days ago I wondered aloud, “What did I actually do today?” and, unfortunately, the answer was “not much.” It was then that I seriously began to pray for help. I knew that I was distracting myself with mindless acts, but I couldn’t help it. Well, I could help it, but I was choosing not to. So, I prayed, and prayed, and prayed again. Oh, God is good! He answered me, although not in the way that I expected. The first revelation came in that I suddenly became aware of why I was feeling anxious in the first place. It was an underlying feeling that I was not achieving something, that I was “supposed” to be doing something remarkable. The second revelation came when I felt like God asked me “When did I ask you to do something remarkable?” Wow, that felt like a punch in the gut!
Of course, my prideful mind wanted to argue. What about my purpose? Am I not supposed to be doing something significant? I was disappointed. However, the question stood like smoke in the air lingering over me. “When did I ask you to do something remarkable?” Hmmm… I don’t have an answer for that. Since I don’t have an answer, then I guess the answer is that I was not asked to do something remarkable, at least not something that I would consider remarkable. I have been punishing myself for not doing something that I was never asked to do!
So, now I have a choice. I can continue to feed my anxiety with harmful behavior. Or, I can peacefully rest in the fact that God will direct my path.